Thursday, October 15, 2015

The Construction of Adolescence

I felt like I understood this piece more after our discussion!!  I had a lot of people who helped shape who I am today - I had a lot of coauthors.  It was interesting that the first person I think of who has shaped me the most is definitely the most important person in my life: my mom.


She is my rock, my teacher, my best friend.  She has taught me everything there is to know - and so much more.  But we have always had different outlooks on life - especially mine.

"The construction of one's life, from this perspective, occurs through and gets held together by the evolving stories we tell ourselves and the ways in which these stories become internal guideposts for ongoing decision making, everyday behavior, and self-understanding."

During class today I began to think that maybe my mom isn't my biggest influence in guiding my story.  Maybe my coauthor isn't a real person at all. I have always been very open and forthcoming when it comes to my medical past.  I send emails to my professors explaining everything before each semester begins and I have no problem telling my story.  My tumors and medical anomalies have become a part of who I am - to me they are my identity, which is fine.  But it drives my mother crazy. There was a period of about a year when I wasn't allowed to talk about Timmy because she was afraid that I talked about that experience too much.  But it is such a large part of my life - Timmy is my coauthor.  

When I was first diagnosed I think I  was very blunt to almost everyone - "hi my name is Noelle and I have a large brain tumor named Timmy..."  And I was still developing my identity around it - it's as if I went though the five stages of grief.

I was SAD & DEPRESSED - I would cry all the time.  But mostly I was sad for what I was missing and the thought of what I could miss out on in life.

I was ANGRY - to be truthful I was furious!  I hated everyone else because they didn't grow tumors but I did.  Why the hell was I special tumor girl.

I was in DENIAL - hell sometimes I still am.  

I BARGAINED - I would talk to God everytime I had an MRI - "if everything is ok I will be the best student you've ever seen."  "I'll do all the dishes for the rest of my life if I don't have to have another surgery."  

But to get to the point I ACCEPTED.  I had a brain tumor.  I grow tumors.  And over the years I've changed my way of thinking because I've seen how this illness can either eat you alive or you fight it. Rather than wallowing in self pity, I embrace my past.  I grow tumors - it's my superpower.  Unlike most people I didn't need someone else to help me become self-aware.  I didn't need Danielle Peterson.  It is because I have watched so many other people crumble that I created my own affirmation.  



1 comment:

  1. I love that you named your tumor Timmy! I appreciate how honest you were about the process of finding your identity. When I began reading you post I thought I was going to go on to read about how your mom was there for you every step of the way, but instead you talked about this process you went through with Timmy as your co-author. It seems as if though at times Timmy was the main character, and other times just an extra. You showed us that a co-author doesn't always have to be a main character in our stories, nor does a co-author have to be a person. It can be an experience. Thank you for sharing.

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